Tuesday, December 11, 2007

We hate it when our ex-non-shagpieces become successful

I don’t know why I thought of him.

It was a bloke I snogged once, no, twice, in second year at university. But for some reason his name (not him really, just his name) popped into my mind the other day. So I googled him.

And on page one was a probability. After a few captains of industry and world-renowned scientists of the same name was a reference to a band. I clicked, pulled up a pic, and there he was.

It was a proper website too, not just a half-arsed MunterSpace effort, and a proper band as well. With a recently released album complete with 4 and 5 star reviews from proper glossy music mags. Blimey.

I’m sure if we met again that he wouldn’t have a notion who I was. But I am cursed with fantastic recall so here is the sad story of how I failed to pull a struggling artist.

I was a student, working in a restaurant four nights a week. One of my cohorts was a girl called Kim. She was a bit feisty and I was slightly mistrustful of her as she seemed to have a tendency to make enemies of her girlfriends and housemates pretty quickly. (I, on the other hand, was probably a bit staid for her liking.)

But we had similar tastes in music and we both like going out drinking and dancing so we were perfect for an arms-length friendship.

When we finished work at 10:30ish we’d always have £6 or £7 worth of tips burning a hole in our pockets so Kim and I would head out to whatever indie night that happened to be on that evening. A quick change and a touch-up of the make-up and off we’d totter, still enveloped in that school-dinners smell that inhabits every working kitchen in the world, no matter how posh the restaurant.

One Wednesday night Kim ran into a guy she knew. He was tall and lean and northern and a bit 60s-ish but without being too try-hard. Mmm.

"Thomas used to live in my house," was how she introduced us – they had met the previous year during the annual student house-changeover.

"God, how embarrassing," Kim said as he left us, "I snogged him last week."

Embarrassing? I thought he was pretty fit. My face must have revealed exactly what I was thinking because before I’d even uttered a word Kim said, "If you like him, go for it. I’m not interested."

A week or so later we were out one Monday, and Thomas and a friend were there. Kim and the other bloke went to dance so at chucking-out time I was left with Thomas. It was snowing lightly as we walked up the street.

He lived one way and I lived the other but as we reached the top rather than say goodbye, he kissed me. Oddly, even though I can recall so much detail about the whole encounter I can’t remember how he kissed. He was one of those very complimentary men though, which is never a good sign.

Cabs were thin on the ground so we wandered around in the snow, decreasing our chances of actually finding a taxi by snogging regularly. One showed up eventually so I generously dropped him off at his place before heading home, feeling pretty pleased with myself.

The next Monday, there they were again, in the same spot in the same club. Were they expecting us? Perhaps. Either way I spent the evening with Thomas again. The end of the night followed the same template as the previous week, but we finished on a promise.

"I’ll see you here next week?" he asked. "I’ve got no money so I can only afford to go out once a week."

Something wasn’t quite right - if you can only afford to go out once a week you’re not going to make it a Monday, are you?

That Saturday I was out at another indie club. I just knew he’d be there, and sure enough, he showed up. With a girl. A short, very pretty, Asian girl. Much prettier than me. I know when I’m beat so I paid them no attention, drowned my sorrows and danced all night.

But because she was still friends with him, Kim kept me updated on Thomas’s blossoming relationship. I heard how he was already getting bored of her, she was a bit dull, she had really strict parents, she didn’t go out much…

Because she wasn’t a close friend Kim didn’t know that I invest every kiss with a ridiculous level of significance. I’d never even confessed to her that I really liked Thomas, so as far as she was concerned I’d just had a couple of brief snogs.

Then she came into work one day with an ever naughtier than usual look in her eye.

"I shagged Thomas last night" she told me, giggling with faux-shame.

"It’s funny," she continued, "I wasn’t interested in him till he started seeing that girl. It’s the challenge, I suppose."

I didn’t hang out with Kim so much after that. And I guess I had a lucky escape – I don’t fancy being the dull girlfriend who gets fucked around on.

But still, now he’s in a fucking band! With a fucking Wikipedia entry! Cock.

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  • after a full night of waiting tables you only pulled in 6 or 7 pounds in tips??? kee-rist people are cheap bastards!

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 9:32 PM  

  • I had a friend who got excited when Radiohead made it big, because Thom Yorke was about the only bloke at university she hadn't shagged.

    By Blogger Tim Footman, at 12:49 AM  

  • I've only ever shagged one guy in a band and I can't even google him to find out if he or they ever made it because I don't know his name ;p

    By Blogger red, at 6:21 AM  

  • Ach, raise a glass to near misses. Your 'friend' Kim sounds like a piece of work :-P

    I have to admit, though, that a Wikipedia entry seems like the pinnacle of achievement. I dream of someday being sufficiently famous/having achieved sufficiently much of note for that — and probably just that. Any more might be annoying, yes? At least that's what I'm selling myself..

    The only bloke I ever snagged (that would be half-snog, half-shag) that was in a band is dead, now. Take what you will from that cautionary tale.

    By Blogger Valerie, at 6:25 AM  

  • I do hate the smell of commercial kitchens. I'm glad I will never go in one again, unless I fall on really hard times.

    I assume Thomas isn't his real name?

    By Blogger Billy, at 7:42 PM  

  • > With a fucking Wikipedia entry! Cock.

    What a coincidence, my own wikipedia entry simply says: Cock.

    By Blogger Gary James, at 7:52 PM  

  • good peace! well done!

    Please visit Young Voices.

    Have a nice evening!

    Young Voices
    Norwich Mind

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:36 AM  

  • hw about messing around with his wikipedia entry? it would at least take a while before it's removed!!

    nice blog btw!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:35 PM  

  • CB, this is the UK, about ten years ago. On a good night.

    MME Vivanne, I'm really sorry about what's about to happen....

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 10:57 PM  

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