Tuesday, March 06, 2007

A Spinster Asks for Help

How do you all do it? Pull, that is.

I’m talking about in a work environment. How do get a bloke you only speak to occasionally (always, always work-related) to, you know, think of you in a different light? (Dimmed, with far fewer clothes and limbs akimbo.)

Um. Just in case I ever might possibly find your advice useful.

Some more background:

- We’re on a business park – there ain’t no culture of everyone going to the pub after work. ‘Accidentally’ leaving the pub at the same time as a half-cut Him would normally be my technique but that isn’t an option here.
- He’s kinda quiet.
- I've had my eye on him for ages
- I don’t even know if he’s single. (I know, I could just ask the people in my department about this one, but then they’d know I liked him.)
- I’m only a temp so I don’t have the luxury of time – I need your advice now.

I thank you in advance.


  • lure him over to the watercooler on his ownsome and whisper: are you up for it? in his left ear

    not helpful at all, am i? see, i've been so long out of the dating game that i've forgotten what you do, unless it falls into the category of 'marry someone you met at university'

    i'm sure there will be more helpful advice along in a minute

    By Blogger Urban Chick, at 8:42 PM  

  • I am seriously rubbish at these kind of things. I can remember in a previous job volunteering to do a crappy job so I had an excuse to strike up a conversation.

    Why not try leaving the office at the same time? Does he live in the same direction as you?r

    By Blogger Billy, at 8:44 PM  

  • Not a million miles from UC, why not ask him out for a drink. Radical I know, and possibly terrifying, but likely to succeed. Here's why:

    Since girls hardly ever ask guys out, guys don't have any practice in saying no (unlike my experience of women). He'll say yes whether he means it or not. Then get him drunk. Limbs akimbo in short order.

    By Blogger James, at 8:46 PM  

  • Ask him out for drink, are you mad? I'm Shy With Boys! Oh god, I had a hot flush of embarrassment just thinking about it.

    I am tentatively thinking of trying to instigate a converstion about something other than work.

    If I can get the nerve up.

    That's a start, right?

    (I don't actually know *anything* about him)

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 8:54 PM  

  • When I fancy somebody who I don't have a convenient excuse to start a conversation with, I generally employ the tactic of staring at them from across the room, hoping they'll realise that I like them and come over to talk to me.

    No luck yet, but fingers crossed...

    By Blogger LC, at 9:10 PM  

  • Spinny,
    Oh yes, Put your shyness in your shoe. Your a temp remember? No time for pussy footin' around.\:"hi,
    can I buy you lunch today?"
    that's it, seriously. You've got nothing to lose.

    By Blogger Remiman, at 10:08 PM  

  • remiman's dead right. and the fact that you don't know anything about him is conversation fodder right there. just say, "hi, i'm spin. i don't know anything about you, but i'd love to have lunch with you and get to know you better." if he's not married he'll probably be thrilled to the gills.

    if you're too shy to say it, write it on a post-it note and drop it on his desk.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 10:39 PM  

  • and wear a plunging neckline. never hurts.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 10:40 PM  

  • What the fuck? Just ask the guy out for a drink. It won't kill you, I promise!

    And if you don't, because, well "I'm a girl and girls don't do that kind of thing", then the next time you go on a modern-woman rant, I'll spew all over your blog.

    By Blogger Franje, at 1:27 AM  

  • I'm working on one of these, too!

    I summoned up all my courage & asked him to lunch. Knowing he is almost inhumanly quiet, I was prepared to do the conversational driving. Fortunately he found my nervous dithering both flattering & amusing.

    No limbs akimbo yet, unfortunately. Still working on that....

    By Anonymous Carey, at 2:20 AM  

  • remiman and cb got it covered.
    and maybe look him up on facebook. or myspace even? does he blog? have a company bio? technology, girl! use technology!

    if he says no you can dump a pop in his mainframe.

    By Blogger First Nations, at 3:03 AM  

  • The last bloke i fancied at work turned me down when i asked him out. that was over a year ago though, and funnily enough we've now been seeing eachother for 6 months - funny how things work out.

    By Blogger Kirses, at 8:54 AM  

  • I met my fella at work.....we were refitting a giant record store so we had ample time to be together over the A-Z wondering which Zappa albums to stock. I fancied him from the moment I saw him but never thought such a sorted guy would date me the mentalist. In fact he liked me just as much...we didn't have the guts to ask each other out for months.....eventually a ballsy collegue just threw us together in a fake staff night out where we were the only two to show up..Thank god she did or we would never have sorted ourselves out. Don't miss out on this opportunity
    just ask him he'll be dead flattered.

    By Blogger Lardy Big Bot, at 10:18 AM  

  • email. it's the only way. send him a work-related note. throw in one line that is a little flirty, but not overly so. See if he takes the bait.

    If he doesn't, send him a photocopy of your bare backside, having written the words I WANT YOU NOW across it in indelible marker

    By Anonymous 100 Words, at 11:22 AM  

  • Franje has a point y'know

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 12:00 PM  

  • tell him you are the company first aider and it is time for his check up... always works for me

    By Anonymous Uncle Feelemup, at 12:50 PM  

  • Put on a fake beard and glasses and follow him home. Sort through his trash, hang outside his house for a weekend and see where he goes and who he goes with, stay late at work and rifle his diary and desk drawers, sabotage his car and undermine his career prospects. Then when you know everything about him and he is depressed about his broken car and alienation at work, ask him out.

    By Anonymous fidel, at 12:52 PM  

  • I'm sorry to disagree with everyone else, but I think all of that advice is absolutely horrible. If I were you I would not invite him out at all. I say this, not because I disagree with a woman doing that, but because you don't know anything about him, and he might be married, or he might be in a very serious relationship... if so, how would you feel? I'd feel awful. I think the people who are giving you this advice might already be in relationships and have forgotten how difficult and painful this dating process is. If I were you I would try to "run into him" accidentally or casually at a moment and place where you can start a casual conversation with him and try to find out something about him. Like, don't you people have coffee breaks at work? Or during lunch time? Alternatively just stare at him in a fairly obvious way until he realizes. And then observe his reaction. If he is single and notices your interest, he might approach you. Sorry, I can't think of much more, I'm not very successful at these things. (Spinster too)

    By Anonymous mar, at 1:22 PM  

  • um, not to be pompous or anything, but does anyone else think it's a bit odd that mar is recommending spin ignore the dating advice of people in relationships in favor of advice from a self-proclaimed "spinster."

    if you wanted to learn how to drive, wouldn't you want to learn from someone who has a licence? call me crazy...

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 2:29 PM  

  • chaucer, you have a point, nobody should want to learn from me, cause i don't drive, so yes, touche!

    what i said i said having in mind how it feels from the point of view of the one who is single and has the crush... it just struck me that people talking here don't seem to know how it feels when one asks somebody out and is rejected (i might be wrong, i don't know the people talking here, i'm just saying this was my impression) and THAT i know, the ones in relationships, might have known, once upon a time, and might have forgotten... by now.

    ok, call me an idiot, whatever, I don't mind, it just seems to be a little bit too daring to ask out a guy one knows NOTHING about, and that is the scenario we are discussing here... if he is married, or is in a relationship, then i think that would feel very bad... my recommendation to spinsterella is NOT not to ask him out, it is to do that, if she feels like that, once she knows whether he is available

    that was my point... i have nothing useful to teach to spinsters, i pretend to teach nothing, i'm just talking from this particular point of view...

    (and i also do not agree that women should not ask men out... but again, i have done this, and it does not always work... so one has to bear in mind whether one can actually accept rejection... personally, i find it very hard)

    By Anonymous mar, at 3:42 PM  

  • ''it just struck me that people talking here don't seem to know how it feels when one asks somebody out and is rejected ''
    Of course we know...and one never forgets.....but lets also not forget that (from what I have read) Spinny isn't some bubble headed twat who doesn't know her own mind....I doubt she would take dubious advise from a bunch of blog stalkers seriously anymore than she would walk up to someone and put herself in a vunerable position if it felt wrong.

    By Blogger Lardy Big Bot, at 3:59 PM  

  • Strike up a transparent conversation with somebody in the office who's a hopeless gossip, saying something disingenious like "do you think you can tell who's married, in a relationship or single, just by looking at them?" then list people until it's not obvious and mention him... Then lead the gossip to answer as much as poassible. Bingo.

    In theory it may work, in practice it's a bit of a gamble... Oh, ignore this...

    By Blogger Kissing just for practice, at 4:34 PM  

  • lady big bot... whatever! I mean, I just spoke my mind, like everyone else, i said what it feels more advisable from my point of view, that's all

    it looks like i have upset people with my post, and i'm sorry about that, but i won't take anything back, becuase I do not think my point of view is useless, because I AM THERE... it's just a point of view, an advice, like anyone else's

    spinsterella will follow her own mind, i surely recommend that she does, and i will applaud to that

    but she did ask for advice, and i gave mine... you might not like it (i don't like it to be honest with you), but it feels the right advice to me

    perhaps the tone of my post was not right, if so i will apologise to that, to everyone, i did not mean to offend anybody, i did not imply anything bad about the people in here, but i did think the advice given was a little bit careless...

    if the tone of my post was offending to anyone, i do apologise for that

    but i won't take anything back, it's just an opinion, i still do not advice to ask out a guy one knows nothing at all about... that makes sense to me, it works best for me, it is MY opinion...

    if she does, and if it works for her... great! i'll be happy, i don't wish bad things to happen to anobody... it's just that in my mind to hope or to expect that will actually happen, appears like a movie scenario, not real life... in real life i recommend to gather information

    people are advising: ask him out...

    all i'm saying is: do you know how it will feel if you are rejected?

    personally, i am a very daring woman, but also a bit careless, and i tend to do that kind of think a lot, neglecting how i will feel if I get a "no"

    and when i get a "no", that IS awful

    for me

    By Anonymous mar, at 4:52 PM  

  • Serious much.

    By Blogger Lardy Big Bot, at 5:05 PM  

  • in response to lardy big bot last entry:

    whatever that is supposed to mean!

    By Anonymous mar, at 5:47 PM  

  • i'm sorry. i didn't mean to divide everyone into camps of single vs. taken.

    For what it's worth, i went more than 8 years without a single date before I met the Hairy Man, and that's not something I can or will forget in a hurry, so I've got empathy galore for Spin and mar and everyone.

    Consider this, though. Rejection hurts, sure, but the pain we feel is directly proportional to how much we care about the person rejecting us. Rejected by bf/husband of 10 years = Hell. Rejected by total stranger = paper cut. It hurts, but it's not worth avoiding paper for the rest of your life.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 5:57 PM  

  • Well said, CB.

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    By Blogger Kissing just for practice, at 6:14 PM  

  • I'm new out here, so hope you don't mind me adding to the story.

    But...I fancied a guy I worked with for months, and months. Finally, plucked up the courage to tell him that I'd been having some pretty full on dreams about him, and needed to tell him as it was getting silly.

    He said he had been too - and then we snogged the lips of each other. We've now been together so long that we have rows and bicker and everything.

    Only tell this story, as the 'dream' line gives you the space to back away if it all goes wrong, without looking too silly, or baring your soul...

    By Blogger miss-cellany, at 6:23 PM  

  • I'm painfully shy at such things, but if you're going to be going soon, there's no harm in trying. Next time you see him, smile and say hi and ask him about something non-work related.

    By Blogger Sassy Sundry, at 7:00 PM  

  • chaucer't bitch: thanks for the empathy!

    By Anonymous mar, at 7:29 PM  

  • OK here's what you do: sign up for some sort of sponsored event. There are hundreds of them and nearly all seem to involve walking around a park wearing a pink/yellow/any-pastel-shade-really
    headband/bracelet/t shirt.
    They are usually in aid of some dreadful and vaguely female disease so don't pick something too specifically icky, like cervical cancer; a general cancer would do.
    Armed with your sponsorship form you have a nifty little ice-breaker and if it doesn't work your dignity is maintained because everyone at work will think you're a warm caring human being.

    By Blogger Arabella, at 7:31 PM  

  • can i recommend the getting-drunk-and-grabbing-his-cock-at-the-bar technique? worked for me. two and a half years and counting....

    (and he was married. pretend you didn't hear that tho, eh?)

    By Blogger surly, at 8:30 PM  

  • I'm with Mar.Do the research, dig the dirt, find out that he is vulnerable too and then you know he won't piss on your chips when you ask him out. He's going to say yes.

    By Anonymous fidel, at 8:42 PM  

  • I'm seriously impressed with Surly's comment, although if someone did that to me I'd probably run a while.

    By Blogger Billy, at 9:12 PM  

  • Blimey, look at all those comments while I've been at work. Delighted you've been chatting amongst yourselves.

    Anyhow - hello Mar and welcome.

    Mar has kind of hit the nail on the head in that, in the serious, non-blog-world, you just can't go and throw yourself at someone you work with when you don't even know if he's single. He might have 10 kids for all I know.

    I would use Surly's technique - but there's no going-to-the-pub imminent.

    Anyhow - he's been wearing a VERY well ironed shirt today.

    Girlfriend, obviously.

    Or, possibly, Mum.

    Either way I'm stepping back gracefully...


    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 10:40 PM  

  • Don't be too hasty! My Pirate wears very well ironed shirts all the time, and he does them himself. There are men out there who do their own ironing, and some of them are even straight.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 11:17 PM  

  • My favorite of all this advice is the use of The Office Gossip. More often than not, she (and it is invariably a she isn't it?) knows at the very least who's married and who isn't.

    And I agree, there are some straight men who can competently iron their own shirts. Wonders never cease.

    By Blogger yezenia, at 12:24 AM  

  • and of course if you do use the office gossip, then word may get back to him without any harm being done - if he's unavailable, he'll be flattered, and if he is available, he might start having the good grace to make a bit of eye contact...

    By Anonymous zebra, at 12:58 AM  

  • Ah - see, this is what single men are up against:

    If we don't iron our shirts properly, we're scruffy and don't make enough of an effort to be considered BF material.

    If we do iron our shirts, apprently we're either taken or living with our mums.

    You're all mad, I wish I was gay.

    By Blogger LC, at 9:50 AM  

  • so do a lot of gay men, i'm sure.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 10:40 AM  

  • Were you actually wanting advice or just a reason not to do anything about him?

    I suggest smiling at him next time you see him and say hello. That's all. No risk of rejection - you're just being polite.

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 3:47 PM  

  • As Surly's Other Half I can whole heartedly support her approach. I was keen on her but thought it would be wrong to pursue a married mother of one.

    However, once a few cocktails had been consumed her somewhat unique advance was spot on. We spent 3 blissful nights getting to know each other on a cruise ship and from there we have slowly built a life together better than I ever thought possible.

    So, to sum up...getting pissed and grabbing his cock in a not-so-nonchalant manner really works !

    By Anonymous Other Half, at 4:19 PM  

  • the perfectly ironed shirt might have come back from the dry cleaners, or maybe he has a daily!!!!

    By Blogger todaysdaze, at 4:28 AM  

  • Just tell him your the incredibly witty and charming person behind the Spinsterella blog and that Bob Swipe's written a song about you.

    If *that* doesn't work, he wants shooting (Baz)

    Either that or he's a mincer, in which case you've been saved a life of secrets, lies and seedy liaisons with perkily-bottomed Italian waiters in the dimly lit, piss-reeking public conveniences of Britain. (Although quite why you'd resort to living a life of secrets, lies and seedy liaisons with perkily-bottomed Italian waiters in the dimly lit, piss-reeking public conveniences of Britain, just because you're husband was bent, I don't honestly know...)

    L.U.V. on ya,


    By Blogger Robert Swipe, at 10:47 AM  

  • Apologies, oh Pedanterella - your should read you're and you're should read your - as any fule no....

    L.U.V. on ya,


    By Blogger Robert Swipe, at 10:50 AM  

  • Gosh Bob,

    you have managed to predict my very next post...sort of..

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 1:36 PM  

  • 1 word. Blowjob.

    By Blogger Blarneyman, at 2:32 PM  

  • spinsterella: this just occurred to me... to find out whether he is single or not... try making small talk with him at work: "nice weather... have you made any plans for this weekend?" or something like that... It is my experience that men who feel they are being scanned for availability will immediately make clear their status: "yes... my gf/wife and i are going to wales... to visit her parents" or... "oh... well, the usual, taking the kids to the park..." I have actually noticed this many many times. I have even done this myself when I felt I was being chatted up!

    i'm very afraid this is the best i've got...

    By Anonymous mar, at 6:53 PM  

  • As a single feller what spends a large part of the working day quietly lusting after a number of the ladies in the office, I'd say that some sweet chatter at the watertower/coffee machine, a bit of faux professional interest, that's a nice shirt/tie/pair of shoes is the way to have him eating out of your hand. You'll soon know if he's 'on the market' - "Thanks, my wife/girlfriend/Italian waiter gave me it for Christmas" - and can lure him to share a sandwich and bag of crisps at lunchtime. No risk, loads of intelligence, and the gate is open. Just 'cause I know how to iron my own shirts, doesn't make me any less simple than most men...

    By Blogger krusty the baker, at 2:09 PM  

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