Friday, March 23, 2007

Formative Experiences

You’ve got to understand, before I get started, that most Irish men are hideously, grotesquely ugly.

So when you’re fifteen-years old and a wildly popular band’s frontman looks like this it leaves an impression. And again (Steve Wall is the moody-looking one and the fella with the squeezebox rather more representative of Irishmen as a race. Twenty years on and fuck me but he hasn’t lost it at all and good god, those cheekbones’d make any grown woman weep.

I was never a huge fan but they’ve got a few absolute barnstormers in their back catalogue amongst all the jangly, country-tinged indie-pop. They also knocked out a few pretty good videos – very arty and sophisticated (read black-and-white).

One in particular I remember especially well (getting to the point now).

It was set in a boxing ring with Steve playing the boxer. The entire video, therefore, consisted of Steve, in shorts, looking hot, wet, ripped; there was some sponging of Steve’s well-toned torso, pale, pale skin, glistening pecs, spitting of water (which I didn’t like then but now I sort-of, um, appreciate), damp curls, wetness, muscle, sweat, brutality...

So, feeling a bit nostalgic I went on an interwebsearch and managed to dig it up on You Tube.

And you know what? The hot-wet-sponge-action bit lasts about three seconds!


I’m sure there’s a market out there for Extremely Soft Porn for the Timid Spinster. Find Steve Wall. Sit him on a stool in a pair of shorts. Given him a bucket of ice-cold water and a sponge. Press Record.

I’d buy it.

(Mind you, I’ve got a bigger audience than he does these day; perhaps I could enter into negotiations for the real thing. On a temporary basis, like, I’d give him back.)

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  • Why not cut out the middle man and offer to direct it yourself, with plenty of long, lingering close ups and re-takes?

    By Blogger Betty, at 3:12 PM  

  • But then I'd have to have actual physical contact with a real life man, and I think we all know I'm too far gone down the spinster road for that by now.

    Plus I don't have a camera.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 3:17 PM  

  • Hmm. wouldn't.

    Ireland does a great PR job for its men then - what about Gabriel Byrne, Liam Neeson, the heartbreakingly beautiful O'Reillys (back in the 80s that is)?

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 5:50 PM  

  • Too much jaw for me, but the tune was good. I'm with GSE on Liam Neeson: yummy.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 6:05 PM  

  • Gabriel Byrne - *maybe* but too old; Liam Neeson - not with that accent (yes, I know it's me own accent but it makes me physically ill) and he's ancient too.

    (I don't actually know who the O'Reilly's are? Were they like an Irish McGann family? Anyhow, O'Reilly's a bit of a bogger name.)

    I think the tune's a bit rubbish meself.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 7:48 PM  

  • scrawny. veiny.
    on the other hand, i'll front up some money for the 'spongewielding sweaty irish guys who are not boxers' video.
    oh HELL yeah.

    By Blogger First Nations, at 1:35 AM  

  • Tony O'Reilly's (rugby, newspapers) sons. I was at college with one of them - most beautiful man I've ever seen (even with 1980s hair).

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 12:54 PM  

  • Cillian Murphy? Some ladies I know wouldn't mind giving him a spongeing. Or a fuck, even.

    Jonathan Rhys-Meyers?

    Richard Harris?

    Peter O'Toole?

    By Blogger Tim Footman, at 3:29 PM  

  • Liam Neeson looks exactly like Fidel Castro in the mid 1950s for some reason.

    By Blogger Billy, at 5:04 PM  

  • It will be *extremely* soft porn indeed if it has to be a bucket of ice cold water. Can the sponge, at least, be warmed?

    By Blogger Doris, at 8:55 PM  

  • Nick Kelly (of Fat Lady Sings now Solo) is hardly a male minger.

    By Blogger Murph, at 3:36 PM  

  • The Fat Lady Sings! Gosh Murph I've been thinking about them as well of late on this wee trip-down-memory-lane. But no. Too wimpey.

    Cillian Murphy, I imagine, talks like a bogger.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 9:12 PM  

  • Shit, that lad is hot. Whoooeee.

    Gabriel Byrne is hot.

    Oh, and on this side of the pond it doesn't matter if not all of them are lookers. We ladies swoon over Irish accents.

    By Blogger Sassy Sundry, at 9:35 PM  

  • can i plead the craig doyle amendment?

    whoa there! i said craig doyle not frickin' ronan keating!

    By Blogger Urban Chick, at 9:39 PM  

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