Tuesday, January 09, 2007

For Annie

Everyone's talking about blow-jobs

I left some broad hints over at Annie’s place ages ago but didn’t show my hand (I can’t talk about blow-jobs on the internet!). But fuck it, it’s January and no-one’s around. So here, dredged from the depths of my memory, is:

Spinsterella’s Guide to Giving a Fantastic Blow Job

1. Enjoy it. If you’re only going down under duress you haven’t got a hope. Even a ‘right, I’m going to do a decent job here’ attitude will not give best results. Gritted teeth, even metaphorically, won't work.

2. Put cock in mouth. Try to maintain some semblance of rhythm. This will get you to the very basic levels of ‘pathetic gratitude’.

3. Here’s where it gets complicated. Men are all different (really) and they all like different things. So, for example, while some men like being bitten very hard, this is not a technique you should try just out of the blue. Watch his reactions, and vary what you’re doing accordingly.

4. Reactions? The change in his breathing, the tension in his stomach muscles, the pulsing in his veins. (Now do you see why I like sinewy, veiny men?)

5. Now for the Masterclass. When he is about to come, slow right down to stop him from actually ejaculating. Then go back to whatever it was you were doing to get him to that point - then do it again. Once you get it right, you can keep him at the point of almost coming indefinitely. Then, when you finally do let the poor bastard actually come…. It will probably take him quite some time to regain the power of speech, but when he does, expect to hear the phrase ‘best orgasm ever’.


  • Thanks for the tips. Hee hee.

    By Blogger Sassy Sundry, at 2:07 PM  

  • *prints off and laminates a copy of this post, for future girlfriends*

    By Blogger LC, at 2:33 PM  

  • *Much the same as LC*

    The last blow-job I received was so earth-shatteringly terrible it took less than two minutes before I said "you know what - let's not do this". That relationship died quickly.

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 3:00 PM  

  • *cough* since you're going down this path, how about tips on going down?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:49 PM  

  • Ah but what's your position on spit vs swallow?

    By Anonymous Tedward's Missing Ear, at 8:49 PM  

  • Good god.

    It's really not complicated - I don't see how anybody can get it wrong.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 8:51 PM  

  • Oh - previous comment was for Riddled - you two get in quick.

    Anon - you mean for men going down of women? OK - one day.

    Tedward, I refer you to Samantha Jones..

    Dr: Do you perform oral sex?
    Sam: Yes
    Dr: Do you swallow?
    Sam: Only when surprised.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 8:55 PM  

  • Christ, your posts are way more interesting than mine - not for the first time do I regret telling my mother about my blog. The search hits you're going to get off this post, it breaks my heart.

    By Blogger Wyndham, at 11:09 PM  

  • Have you considered a career as a driving instructor?

    I can imagine a few first time failures (so to speak).

    By Blogger garfer, at 11:30 PM  

  • Blimey good tips. Almost makes me wish I adminstered fellatio.

    By Blogger Billy, at 12:04 AM  

  • yes, it was quite a surprise, first time I'd realised they could be done badly. Think there may have been a fair bit of nervousness involved.

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 7:41 AM  

  • Thank you Spinsterella! I am honoured. See, talking about blow-jobs isn't so bad once you actually get started, hey. If only the same could be said for the deed itself.

    Nah, I am actually enjoying getting better at it. Although not sure I could handle point no. 5 "The Masterclass". I just get so excited at that point that I tend to gobble them all up. I'll try to do better.

    By Blogger Annie Rhiannon, at 8:17 AM  

  • Okay: embarrassing admissions time:

    Blow jobs actually send me to sleep.
    My last girlfriend loved giving 'em and was somewhat put out when her very best efforts just made me relax like a cat and then start to doze off.

    Like you said; all men are different … some of us more different than others …

    By Blogger dive, at 11:39 AM  

  • Dive, I think that this (like all of your other problems) is completely down to your daily SEVEN HOUR COMMUTE!

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 11:42 AM  

  • What Dive said. It's not that the technique is bad, it's just the way some girls do it is so damned relaxing you can't help but feel like drifting off.

    If this happens to you, ladies, I recommend a playful but firm squeeze on the nuts to hold his attention.

    By Blogger LC, at 12:45 PM  

  • By Blogger Robert A. Swipe, at 1:19 PM  

  • LC: "laminates a copy" - urgh, besides why would this be necessary if she is swallowing as per instructions?

    spinny: i thought i had hit the wrong link and arrived at GWAOTM


    wyndham: well, now i discover that not only does my mother read my blog, she also reads the one on my blogroll (hi mum!)

    By Blogger Urban Chick, at 2:55 PM  

  • I think Spinny takes over where GWAOTM leaves off. Or maybe it's the other way round. It was dark.

    By Blogger dh, at 6:58 PM  

  • This is a proper dilemma: do you tell rellies and or friends about your blog life? I have definitely limited my expressive scope by tipping off my daughter ... There are things one's children just shold not know. Still, I suppose it keeps up my standards, as me old mum used to say.

    Blowjobs: I remember those.

    By Blogger DavetheF, at 7:33 PM  

  • If you ever have a baby and any other sort of sexual congress is out of the question the request for a blowjob is likely to be met with physical violence.

    Little tip for the chaps there.

    By Blogger realdoc, at 7:44 PM  

  • If you ever have a baby and any other sort of sexual congress is out of the question the request for a blowjob is likely to be met with physical violence.

    Little tip for the chaps there.

    By Blogger realdoc, at 7:44 PM  

  • God, MY blog is so boring. Boy do I regret giving my brothers the address.

    Great tips. I might add that extensive use of the tongue is appreciated by some.

    I can touch my nose with mine, so you know ...

    By Blogger Truculent Horse, at 8:33 PM  

  • After reading Annie's and LC's posts the other day, your number three crossed my mind. There's just no one right way to do it, you just need to pay attention.

    And number one? Crucial.

    By Blogger Melissa, at 9:35 PM  

  • Made me think of Bill Hicks' thing about sucking your own cock (if you have one, of course) - apparently if guys could do it, the women would be alone in the audience, watching an empty stage...

    Re spit vs swallow - my take is similar to Miranda's on the one Sex and the City episode I can remember, how would I like it if a guy spat like he'd had a nasty taste after going down on me?? Though I am one of those odd girls who isn't too fussed about getting head. And no, kissing afterwards not an issue. If bodily secretions freak you out, sex probably isn't for you...

    Gosh, I've never talked about sex on the internet before. I hope I'm not becoming some sort of deviant.

    By Blogger violetforthemoment, at 9:46 PM  

  • Should you tell real life people about your blog?

    FUCK NO!

    Especially not if you're going to witter on about blow-jobs and how you don't actually like your oldest friends, and post when you've had a couple, and comment when you're absolutely hammered.

    If anyone's Mum's reading, please don't.

    (I only feel comfortable talking about such filth because it's been so long that it's like talking about a different person...)

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 10:06 PM  

  • But what about when blog people become real life people? Ghnnnnn! It's all too complicated. *runs screaming into the forest, never to be seen again*

    By Blogger LC, at 10:30 PM  

  • I love giving a blow job and if my partner is clean and not in a hurry to reach the finale, I will do so for 30 minutes or more. I love running my tongue around all the different textures and nooks and crannies and feel the textures change. I feel cheated if I don't get to do all this.

    By Blogger llewtrah, at 6:57 AM  

  • Oye Billy!!!!

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 9:21 AM  

  • Going back to the spitting thing - do people actually do that?

    And where do they spit it?

    I can't imagine anything worse than holding onto a mouthful of lukewarm jism, throwing some clothes on (in case of flatmates) running down to the bathroom sink.

    Spitting's just wrong.

    I've never had any objections to, ahem, taking it on the chin.

    (I'm sure I don't need to say, chaps, that surprising your lady friend is very poor form indeed)

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 9:32 AM  

  • I have never encountered a girl who spits.

    As far as not surprising your girlfriend goes, I always used to wonder about the ideal way to give them a warning without spoiling the moment. Perhaps shouting "TALLY HO!" at the appropriate moment would do the trick...

    Mind you, most GFs have claimed that they can tell when it's going to happen and don't really need a warning anyway.

    By Blogger LC, at 9:47 AM  

  • Some couples agree a signal e.g. the guy taps his g/f on the head as the moment approaches so she can deep throat/change orifices/whatever.

    And gents - tactful feedback is appreciated during while we're doing it e.g. what feels good and "that's nice. but I like it better when you ...." for doesn't feel good or "can you do (whatever) again?". That saves having to develop psychic powers.

    I once got told I'd given the best one ever. It was 45 minutes long (while he watched a Star Trek episode), lots of changes of speed and pressure and he gave lots of helpful feedback about what he liked.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:13 AM  

  • Spin,
    Cripes, all my life I've been waiting for someone of your talents and abilities and you live across the pond!

    By Blogger Remiman, at 11:22 AM  

  • It's not too many calories, just swallow. Oysters are ickier.

    By Blogger llewtrah, at 11:36 AM  

  • oysters are fabulous. Can't compare with the other taste/texture under discussion though.

    also - bj during star trek? could it have been his first one?

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 12:52 PM  

  • erm, I mean, "I can't compare it with the other taste/texture under discussion".

    The dangers of lazy writing....

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 12:55 PM  

  • Hairy Man didn't like BJs, but i was convinced that it was just that he didn't like MY BJs, so naturally I developed a neurosis about it. I have a wicked oral fixation and am attempting to overcome my insecurity of the subject for the P's sake. Thank you for the pointers, but honestly guys, constructive criticism is really helpful and appreciated!!!

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 2:22 PM  

  • I quite like oysters.

    By Blogger Billy, at 4:27 PM  

  • CB - I have a wicked oral fixation too. Maybe I was weaned too early!

    By Blogger llewtrah, at 6:28 PM  

  • "When he is about to come, slow right down to stop him from actually ejaculating."

    Good God, are you mad? Try to empathise. Fellatio, like a lot of things is about enthusiasm.


    By Blogger Quote, at 10:03 PM  

  • Fellahs...don't eat asparagus...bad aftertaste! LOL! ;)

    By Blogger Ame, at 4:40 AM  

  • Also - doesn't taste so good if he had a curry the night before. Curried oysters?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:22 AM  

  • I don't know about falling asleep, but a male friend of mine was, *ahem*, growling at his girlfriend's badger when her phone rang. She answered it and carried on a whole conversation.

    That relationship did not last long.

    By Blogger Bowleserised, at 9:32 AM  

  • There are two things that leave a bitter aftertaste.

    One of them is codliver oil.

    By Blogger Betty, at 11:20 AM  

  • When you partner's parents or, ahem, wife phones it is great fun to continue fellatio and see how quickly her terminates the call.

    "I'm a bit busy right now ..."

    "No, I'm just puffing cos I ran for the phone ..."

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:53 PM  

  • BJ during Star Trek - we're both Star Trek fans. At least I could hear the show tho I couldn't watch it. He gave wicked cunnilingus in return.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:55 PM  

  • 1 - absolutely right!
    2 - duhh!
    3 - We are I am sure all different, but I am equally sure that very few of us like to be bitten very hard as part of a bj.
    4 - good point, but I think the change in strength of the grip I have on your hair or whichever piece of your body I can reach will be a big clue.
    5 - hmmmm I know what you mean, and I am sure that the intensity will be extreme at the end, but this is not one for the novice to even think about trying.

    There's a link to an excellent article on how to give oral to women in the archives on my blog btw.

    By Blogger Freddy, at 5:27 PM  

  • Dive - very glad you said that. I don't know what's up but I don't enjoy them. With anyone. It feels a bit disengaged, a bit separate.

    By Blogger looby, at 2:42 PM  

  • when i was fifteen i had a friend who used to spit into her bf's sock. wouldn't it be better to just, you know, swallow?

    and her sister once got her head stuck under the steering wheel of a hillman imp, but that's another story.

    By Blogger surly girl, at 7:30 PM  

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