Spinsterella

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

More Pop-psych Wank. Yay.

It probably won’t be a huge shock for you to learn that I was never one of those long-term couples at school. I did go out with boys, but I tended to break up with them after three weeks. But there were a several people in my class who had serious boyfriends or girlfriends from the age of about 13.

Some of them ricocheted from one to another. As one six-week boyfriend ended, they would always miraculously find a new model at the next Junior Disco. Others were more serious, lasting months, even years.

I was wondering if being in a couple is a habit that forms when you’re a teenager? I didn’t have that closeness, that always having someone, always being Spin-and-X at that age, so perhaps that’s why I don’t crave the status or the security today.

Whereas A, my friend from home, hasn’t been single since she was fifteen. Is this because she got used to being part of a couple when she was young ?

If so, is there absolutely no hope for me?

22 Comments:

  • In my experience (single all through high school, first boyf age 19, then no date at all till age 27) the people who pair off early in their teens and stay that way, either through a crazy LT relationship or frequent swapping, are the least secure. They NEED a partner all the time because they're terrifed of being alone. They do this for a number of years, and suddenly they graduate uni and the M-word starts getting bandied about and they commit to a marraige they don't really feel because they have become completely codependent.

    The truth is, in order to love someone and give that person your whole self (and receive theirs in return) you need to BE a whole person first. And people who havn't been single since they were 15 have no idea who they really are, becuase they have always been "X of X&Y".

    So no, it's not too late. You are not a lost cause, and in fact you are in a much better position to form a tight, long-term, intimate bond with a partner (when you meet the right partner) because you know who you are, you are a whole person on your own, you don't NEED another person to complete you, and you are a secure, confident, independent woman.

    And whoever suggested that not being in a serious relationship when you're 15 means that you'll never find true love should be shot immediately if not sooner.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 10:48 AM  

  • Absolutely what CB said!!!

    I started young with LT relationships and they were generally built on bullying, insecurity and immature, unknowing emotion. It was only when I took a LONG break from dating that I knew what I liked (not what he liked)and gained a group of friends I knew liked me for me (and wouldn't dissipate if i should break with guy). It was a fear of having nothing when they left you that meant, in my relationship at least, i compromised on everything to ensure I would not be alone.

    There is a cultural monopoly on the single person being stereotypically sad, a bit desperate and being sat dormant on a shelf in a jar marked spinster with only a black cat for company. There are plenty of people trapped in relationships who are more like that than any single people I know.

    When you were posting about "things what i learnt about from blokes and vice versa(but you said it far more eloquently)," I couldn't help but think, I learnt more about myself after we broke up and started again from nothing...

    Ah well, c'est la vie...

    *Please, a post about Xmas soon.

    By Blogger Kissing just for practice, at 11:10 AM  

  • Didn't kiss a boy until I was 17 then when I was gorgeous, thin and in my 20's I couldn't get a minutes peace for offers of a tumble.
    I didn't see the point in kissing a bunch of frogs although I had some nice dates and stuff.
    Now I am married I am uber happy and in love. I honestly can't imagine being with anyone that didn't put up with my craziness and love me for it like he does. I would rather be on my own than with a compromise. Feeling like this justifies the wait.

    By Blogger Lardy Big Bot, at 11:15 AM  

  • yay.

    Um, I was being slightly disingenuous with that last sentence by the way - sorry.

    As I typed I realised that I was talking bollocks on one level. There are lots of 'late-starters' who get happily coupled up as grownups.

    Looking back at my class as a whole, there were only a small percentage of us that were out snogging at all at a young age. Lots of people waited till 18/19 even.

    However, I still think my other point, that people who get coupled up young stay like that, is true.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 12:02 PM  

  • All boys' school followed by a very shy couple of years at Poly. Teenage years were a complete write off when it came to matters of the heart. Then again so was most of my 20s.

    None of my friends at school had girlfriends, either.

    By Blogger Geoff, at 1:55 PM  

  • Maybe being all net geeks we are statistically more likely to be late starters...all the hot people are out shgging each other to within an inch of there funky lives.

    By Blogger Lardy Big Bot, at 2:12 PM  

  • and by 'there' I mean 'their' DOH

    By Blogger Lardy Big Bot, at 2:15 PM  

  • I used to think that cats and dogs were the same species, one being female and one male, until I was about 12. There, it's out in the open...I feel better already.

    By Blogger Murph, at 2:33 PM  

  • hmmm. I've *never* had a long relationship and it's not because I'm a net geek. In cricket terms, I often get a start but never go on and convert it into a significant score. I suppose I'm too impatient to grow into something with someone. I enjoy being by myself enough to be of the attitude that if I don't love being with someone, I won't make the effort. Which might not be a healthy attitude, but fuck it.

    Of course, I may also be perennially single because I'm a cricket geek.

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 2:58 PM  

  • >>>all the hot people are out shgging each other to within an inch of there funky lives.

    I can assure you we're not.

    By Blogger LC, at 6:46 PM  

  • No relationship lasting longer than a week before Mr realdoc and that's been 20 years.

    By Blogger realdoc, at 6:50 PM  

  • What CB said. Much better to be a real person than one of those weirdo clone couples.

    By Blogger belladona, at 7:06 PM  

  • One thing I've observed is that a lot of the people who start dating at 13 and are always in relationships come to accept second or third best, so they end up being disappointed. They're usually going through their first divorce in their early 30's and immediately end up in another relationship with someone else who is a disappointment ... and so it goes on.

    By Blogger Betty, at 7:36 PM  

  • Ah, but how long is a long relationship? Hmm - post coming up on that one I think.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 10:06 PM  

  • Interesting question. I haven't been single since age 16 (despite being relatively girl-next-door looking and ranging from plump to chunky). It's possible that Chaucer's Bitch is right, and that I don't know who I really am; I'll have to have a think about that. I don't know if it was a *need* to be with someone or if it was just being surrounded by so many tempting people. They were almost all wonderful people and I really don't regret any of it, except the times when I wasn't nice.

    Data points: I am definitely a netgeek (one of the first few women on the Usenet, back in 1982), and I am very happily married.

    So: definitely need to think on this one, given the other comments. But I tend to think however ya do it is fine. (This may be a wild desire to justify my life, but I want to justify everyone's at once, if so.)

    Dunno.

    By Blogger Valerie, at 10:26 PM  

  • Ah yes - instead of waiting for Mr Right, settling for Mr Right Now.

    Never, never settle for the best you think you can get. Never.

    Is dancing too uncool for you? Do you have a Ceroc venue nearby? (French rock'n'roll) Ceroc evenings tend to start with a couple of lessons for beginners. You don't need to go with a partner, if you do take to it it takes months to get to know the women, because you will spend your time dancing with blokes, and it's terrific exercise. Of course there will be more frogs than princes, but do the math - a venue with 10 men will have one prince. A venue with 100 men . . .

    By Blogger Mangonel, at 12:05 AM  

  • i was and still am ferociously wired to be one half of a home-family- oriented couple. i didn't always have a partner, but the few i had were all domestic types. even the violent psychotic. s.o.b. was a regular little martha stewart when he wanted to be.

    damn, i never looked back on it like that before.

    when i started looking more carefully at the person instead of the life we could have is when i started having successful relationships.

    tell ya what, i don't know if that helps YOU any but it's sure playing with MY head.

    By Blogger First Nations, at 1:32 AM  

  • Hmm. Seems that regardless of whether a person is involved in consecutive long-ish (will await the definition) relationships or dating here and there, the same questions arise.

    Is it habit? Is this why I always/never seem to need someone in my life? Am I not enough/too much my own person?

    Can't really follow this up with anything coherent. Mind-boggled.

    By Blogger Melissa, at 4:31 AM  

  • Ooh, you see, this is just the kind of thing I can't talk about here, what with ex- and current Mr P both being regular readers of yours.

    I'm pretty sure you can't generalise too much about these things though; everyone's different and everyone's circumstances and outlook are different.

    Although, to CB's point, I did learn an awful lot about myself during my year of singledom, which came after fourteen years of back-to-back long-term relationships. What I learned was very useful. I hope.

    By Blogger patroclus, at 8:03 AM  

  • It's a relief to know that someone
    else had completely bleak twenties. Like Chaucer's Bithch, I met someone at teh age of 27 after I'd seriously thought that there must be a secret plot amongst all the females int he world to agree never to go out with me. I had no idea what I was doing wrong or what was the matter with me, and it's still a bit of a mystery to me.

    I sometimes have my doubts about how serious serial relationships are. There was a group of people I used to know who had this kind of relationship-carousel where they'd all swop each other round every few months. It was very off-putting and I'm glad I was never one of that crowd.

    It sounds as though you're beginning to have had enough of being single but as other people have said here you mustn't think that men don't like independent intelligent, serious women. We do, it's just a question of actually finding each other!

    By Blogger looby, at 3:14 PM  

  • I was starting to wonder as well. I thought I was just allergic to relationships or too picky but I am reassured.
    And just in time for Christmas too, when you need to feel ultra secure in say "yup, still single..."

    By Blogger Angelina, at 11:17 AM  

  • ... "in saying" not "in say". My grammar seems to have left me this morning.

    By Blogger Angelina, at 11:20 AM  

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