Monday, November 20, 2006

Galloping, galloping knob.

Joe and I had started at the company at the same time. With that stupidity common to employers everywhere, they stuck the pair of us in an office on our own, where we could be clueless together.
He was a few years younger than me, and good-looking in that nauseating boy-band jeans-and-smart-shirt way. He was also a cock of the highest order.

One day his phone was bleeping with text after text. ‘It’s this random girl from last night,’ he told me, rolling his eyes.

‘Yeah,’ he continued despite my palpable lack of interest, ‘she’s just a random girl I snogged last night. Now she just won’t leave me alone.’ Given that he was frantically texting her back, I don’t see how she was harassing him.

‘I could have shagged her, she was well up for it.’


Eventually he gave up but that wasn’t the end of it. For the next few weeks he continued seeing this poor girl, and I had to endure his phone calls to his friends which always went along the lines of:

"No, I haven’t shagged her mate, she’s too minging."


"She’s not good enough to shag."

I really, really cannot comprehend this line of thinking. Why would he continue to go out with her if this was what he thought?

Another time he was talking about his ex-girlfriend. They’d met at uni and then moved in together the following year. But Mr Boyband Tosspot wasn’t ready to settle down and it didn’t last. He explained to me, completely seriously:

"You’re either a player or a geek (pause for effect) and I’m a player."

It was quite a relief when I got sacked, to tell you the truth…


  • (a) He was a terrified virgin
    (b) He fancied her, she wouldn't shag him, he was following her around like a puppy dog, but then saving face with his mates.
    (c) He was gay.

    By Blogger Clare, at 10:02 AM  

  • (d) He was in love with his mum.


    By Blogger Clare, at 10:03 AM  

  • B. spot on.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 10:29 AM  

  • But if you were in a room together couldn't you have killed him with a big pointy stick then pretend he 'fell on it' by accident??

    Or do I need to work on my 'getting along with your co-worker skills'?

    (here via clare!)

    By Blogger Gordon, at 11:59 AM  

  • This makes me even more glad that I've always liked geeks.

    By Blogger patroclus, at 12:01 PM  

  • [NB This is Clare again, but Blogger has gone all weird on me and won't let me log on]

    "This makes me even more glad that I've always liked geeks."

    Yeah, I've always been an advocate of geek dating. They also have the advantage that they are generally terrified of women, so if you (like me) are the only woman in a male-geek-dominated workplace, you can easily rule the roost. And have fun teasing them.

    (If any of my colleagues have stumbled across this, I'm only joking.) (or am I?) (bwahaha...)

    Geeks are cute though. I like geeks.

    And even if your colleague was gay or a terrified virgin, he was still a knobber.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:13 PM  

  • You are slowly but but surely eroding my faith in the not-so-fair sex.

    By Blogger Timorous Beastie, at 2:47 PM  

  • Ah, but one day she'll meet a real man...

    By Blogger Who is this Dave?, at 3:04 PM  

  • I am also very much in the geek camp. If anyone described themselves to me as a player I think I would puke on their shoes, unless I was at a chess tournament. (great place to meet geeks, chess tournaments)

    By Blogger realdoc, at 3:49 PM  

  • Of course, nobody has picked up on the fact that you were sacked. Wy did they sack you?

    (sorry for monopolising this comment box. I do this sometimes when I'm bored. I'll go away eventually, I promise.)

    By Blogger Clare, at 4:17 PM  

  • He sounds like a knob jockey

    By Blogger mimi buzzard, at 5:09 PM  

  • och, I didn't altogether get sacked. No one said 'you're fired' in a dramatic sense.

    I did flounce out fairly dramatically though, but I'ld left something behind so had to skulk back in again

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 7:51 PM  

  • Maybe, probably, he didn't shag the minger because he had a genital the size of a toothpick. Just a theory...

    By Anonymous emma, at 1:41 AM  

  • yes, a prize goofturd. pathetic and sad; someone thought he was impressing you with his 'lay 'em and leave 'em' savoir faire. because everyone knows women really want to be treated like crap.

    By Blogger First Nations, at 3:57 AM  

  • I'm confused. Is "Galloping, galloping knob" a rare STD?

    Or a village in Dorset?

    Actually, it sounds like a station announcement for a slow train. "The next service will call at Pumbley, Nether Frottham, Galloping, Galloping Knob, West Galloping, Munt..."

    By Blogger Tim Footman, at 8:34 AM  

  • LOL, tf!

    By Blogger Clare, at 8:56 AM  

  • What a cock.

    I reckon it's small/malfunctioning penis syndrome, personally.

    By Blogger Lady Muck, at 12:12 PM  

  • in my job I often have to listen to some version of this. I fear for us as a species some days. I worry about who is going to make enough tax to pay my pension. innit

    By Anonymous meredic, at 12:45 PM  

  • Christ, Tim, I just sprayed coffee on my keyboard. You're hilarious.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 5:39 PM  

  • of course, there's also the question, why did the girl persist with the guy? granted, he might not have behaved like such a world class tosspot when he was with her, but unless he was in the young De Niro stakes when it comes to acting, she must have twigged he was a bit of a cock. or am i being naive?

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 7:12 PM  

  • I have a holiday cottage at Galloping galloping knob.

    By Blogger Billy, at 3:42 AM  

  • I believe it's near Banbury Cross.

    By Blogger The Murphmeister, at 2:11 PM  

  • (that's as in "ride a cock horse")

    By Blogger The Murphmeister, at 2:59 PM  

  • Going back to Riddled's question...

    Men can be awfully nice to a girl even when they don't really like her. I have seen my male flatmate act along these lines.

    Also, the girl probably persisted because if she wasn't a great beauty, she was probably hugely flattered that a good-looking, charming, sweet-talking guy was interested in her. I may possibly have been in this position once or twice...

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 8:43 PM  

  • Hmm, I'm geek but also a 'player' of roleplaying games, so in that case-

    No, wait, that's just a geek isn't it?

    By Blogger james henry, at 9:05 AM  

  • > Men can be awfully nice to a girl even when they don't really like her.

    This is where I completely fail to understand the male mind. Why oh why do they do that? What is it about the male orgasm that makes it worth being nice to someone you don't like and even having sex with someone you don't find attractive just for the sake of the final few seconds?

    Eh? Explain that.

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 5:06 PM  

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