Monday, August 28, 2006

Fat Matt

For reasons we could never quite fathom, Shirley spent about 6 weeks going out with a bloke called Fat Matt. Not only was he fat, he was ugly, had terrible BO, and was very full of himself.

Plus, the first time they had sex, he, um, went in the wrong way.

Now, if it was me, I imagine that the phrase "What the fuck do you think you’re doing?" would have been employed. Or perhaps "FUCK AWAY OFF!" But, slightly alarmed, Shirley played along. Afterwards she asked him if he particularly liked it like that.

But he didn’t seem to realise* what he’d done.

"I think he was a bit inexperienced", Shirley said later.



  • Goodness, what a tolerant girl. I can only hope he had some other redeeming qualities that outweighed his poor sense of direction.

    By Anonymous emma, at 12:53 PM  

  • urgh!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:11 PM  

  • Perhaps he thought she was one of his other friends?

    By Blogger dh, at 2:42 PM  

  • ouch !

    By Blogger BEAST, at 2:53 PM  

  • Oh goodness me...that sounds 'interesting'...

    I've just had a 'flyer' through the door which is for a local Pizza place with a new featured Pizza called a 'Spinocolli'...I thought you would like that. I really wanted to post it..but I haven't got a scanner.

    By Blogger Molly Bloom, at 7:13 PM  

  • she "just went along with it"??




    By Blogger surly girl, at 7:16 PM  

  • Spin,
    Did you make that up?

    By Blogger Remiman, at 8:24 PM  

  • Was he somewhat inexperienced? And why did she go along with it?

    By Blogger Billy, at 8:34 PM  

  • For what it's worth, I've never had much time for going up the Gary.

    (I suppose that's just given The Spinster yet another reason to spurn me, but I'm afraid my knob's in a sad enough state as it is without cack all over it....)

    Was this the back door man post you promised us Spin? Very disappointed if it is....

    What's this - Vague Acquaintances of a Professional Spinster, or wot??

    Mind you, I couldn't have spun out my sexual adventures for as long as you have yours, so I shouldn't moan....

    By Blogger Robert A. Swipe, at 9:16 PM  

  • Hmm. If that'd been me, he'd now be starting every other sentence with the words "Back when I had a penis..."

    By Blogger Homer, at 10:19 PM  

  • I believe she may have been rather drunk when this incident occurred.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 11:11 PM  

  • If he was very fat, maybe he'd never seen his own, um, gentleman parts. And if you're not very familiar with your own equipment, you might not get the urge to become familiar with other people's.

    (Trying to be charitable here.)

    By Blogger Tim Footman, at 1:54 AM  

  • ....nope, I'm so busy fighting off the mental image that...

    By Blogger First Nations, at 2:26 AM  

  • My that lady was obviously well-mannered, and such a tolerant taste in men.

    By Blogger Wyndham, at 9:56 AM  

  • I once had a couple I was counselling for infertility and after much discussion I discovered they had the same problem as your friend apart from both participants were unaware that there was another route if you get my drift.
    I had to draw diagrams in the end, now that really stretched my artistic skills I can tell you.

    By Blogger realdoc, at 10:21 AM  

  • yikes, just: yikes

    but OMG at realdoc's comment

    By Blogger Urban Chick, at 1:14 PM  

  • I've just had a thought - was that what the Led Zep album In Through The Out Door was about?

    By Blogger Geoff, at 1:41 PM  

  • But he didn’t seem to realise* what he’d done. - Arse! He knew exactly what he was up to and was going along with the old 'ooh sorry luv I didn't realise I'd slipped me love truncheon into your botty' ruse.

    By Blogger Jools, at 2:04 PM  

  • No, I'm with Bob. The thought of taking the Bakerloo Line has never appealed (although fair play to those whose fancy it tickles).

    But Doc, the question I must ask, seeing as where you live - were they, um, Celtic or Rangers as it were?

    By Blogger Tim Footman, at 4:39 PM  

  • hahahhahhaa. Nice anecdote, I like it.

    Hold on! Are you laughing at me?

    By Anonymous Fatt Matt, at 4:59 PM  

  • LMAO. Damn hyperlinks

    By Anonymous Fatt Matt, at 5:07 PM  

  • I was wondering if it was possible for a man to do that and genuinely not realise.

    Realdoc's worrying story has confirmed that it is.

    Dear God.

    Like Tim, I'm intrigued as to the background and age of the participants...

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 5:56 PM  

  • They were what we would describe as 'good livin'' up here ie No drink drugs music (yes really except hymns) God fearing and repressed. They were 20 something and had been married several months. It made me weep.

    By Blogger realdoc, at 4:12 PM  

  • Good lord. The Victorians have a LOT to answer for.

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 10:04 PM  

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