Monday, April 24, 2006

Wanker – or – How I Acquired a Completely Undeserved ‘Reputation’.

When I was sixteen, I went out with a bloke called Wanker.

I thought he was great, because he was twenty, and he smoked blow, and he was part of a gang of really cool blokes round town. He was a plumber (look,my home town had 30% unemployment, at least he had a job) and he had lovely long wavy red hair.

Back in my teens, I usually dumped boys after three weeks. So at three months, Wanker was a long-termer. On school-nights, I’d go round his house and we’d spend an hour or two in his bedroom listening to Joy Division and the Stone Roses, smoking and snogging. At the weekends, alcohol, nightclubs and clumsy fumblings were added to the mix.

Then, it suddenly ended. He stopped calling, and a girl in my class spotted him in town with his ex-girlfriend.

I wasn’t all that bothered. But then I discovered that Wanker had been telling all and sundry that me’n’him had been "wearing each other ragged with the riding". This might not seem like a huge deal, but back in Holy Catholic Ireland, any girl who was known (or reputed) to have had sex, was a slag.

I was absolutely fucking fuming. The oddest thing was, he hadn’t ever even attempted to actually have sex with me.



  • Oh holy crap. you have my complete sympathy. growing up catholic in america was bad enough, thank you very much.

    By Blogger First Nations, at 8:26 PM  

  • could he have thought that snogging and fumbling were riding?

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 11:12 PM  

  • Would it have been OK if your reputation as a slag were at all deserved?

    By Blogger Tim Footman, at 1:40 AM  

  • Men are assholes.
    That's all I have to say on the subject.
    Thank you.

    By Blogger No Shit Sherlock, at 5:56 AM  

  • He lived up to his name then...

    By Blogger Billy, at 8:29 AM  

  • You should have counter-rumoured that by spreading it around that you couldn't shag him even if you wanted to on account of his tiny penis.

    By Blogger Fuckkit, at 9:13 AM  

  • Wanker? Whatever happened to Smudger, Ginger, Boffo, Cuntface and all the other lovely nicknames from my childhood?

    By Blogger Wyndham, at 9:47 AM  

  • as a male, I have to say I don't understand the whole lying-about-who-you've-shagged thing. it ends any chance you ever might have had of actually sleeping with either the girl in question or anyone who hears the truth.

    plus its behaviour worthy of a total knob.

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 10:50 AM  

  • I once had a crush on a guy named Catshit.

    Then one day someone sprayed some graffiti outside Kwiksave that said, somewhat existentially, "Catshit is gay".

    I went off him after that.

    By Blogger Annie Rhiannon, at 1:35 PM  

  • how entertaining and how times have changed
    anyway do coem over and snog with me

    By Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem, at 3:27 PM  

  • Hmm. I have Taken Against Him.

    By Blogger Lee, at 4:25 PM  

  • Riding is riding. There is NO WAY he could have gotten confused.

    My theory is, he was a virgin. He had had a serious girlfriend for years before me, so if SHE didn't put out...it's all very plausible.

    It was probably easier to lie to his mates (and their mates, and the whole town) than to actually figure out WTF to actually do.

    I was dead upset at the time, but about a year later, EXACTLY the same thing happened to my sister. Rite of passage, I suppose...

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 6:21 PM  

  • I'm with you - he never did it! Only people who've never had a shag say stuff like that. No-one else cares. Or maybe he was gay and trying to cover it up.

    By Blogger belladona, at 6:39 PM  

  • deffo an ashamed virgin at work. poor bloke - all that to contend with and ginger too*

    * disclaimer: i went out with a ginger bloke called colin for two years and am therefore allowed to generalise. so there.

    By Blogger surly girl, at 7:29 PM  

  • Aha, a ginger twat. Wavy gingerness is no excuse for such abominable behaviour.

    At least the tosser didn't get to share his genes.

    By Blogger garfer, at 12:15 AM  

  • aaargh - when did ginger hate become the acceptable prejudice???

    yours, one irate ginger

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 4:24 PM  

  • i've no idea how much mockery I may be in for, but i adore girls with ginger hair. and freckles.

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 7:26 PM  

  • well, Mr Riddled... Actually - that's an assumption. Are you a bloke?

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 7:29 PM  

  • Literally, so it seemed.

    By Blogger bedshaped, at 7:44 PM  

  • Well, as Brother Quinlan told us at the retreat for senior pupils of Christian Brothers College:

    "Now boys, you may think kissing a girl is an innocent thing. But let me tell you lads, a kiss is just an application at headquarters for a job to be done in the basement!"

    So you can see how teenage Catholic boys with hormones spurting from every pore might get a bit confused.

    By Blogger DavetheF, at 8:30 PM  

  • I love redheaded women -- and I steer clear of redheaded guys. Nothing personal, I've had a lot of trouble with em.

    By Blogger DavetheF, at 8:34 PM  

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