Spinsterella

Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Answers

What makes you laugh out loud? My sister. The ‘Belly Savalas’ episode of Black Books. Bill Bryson (I know, I know). I laugh out loud quite a lot.

Why are men attracted to shallow, whiney, demanding, nagging, mind game-playing bimbettes when there are smart, thoughtful, generous, single women like us walking the earth? I wish I knew.

Does the absurd pointlessness of daily life and the sheer, mind numbing dreariness of the people around you weigh so heavily on your soul that the only thing you're capable of feeling any more is the overwhelming, unyielding urge to obliterate your higher brain functions with drink and drugs so that you just don't have to think about it all any more? It did, until very recently. But now that I’m sporadically and precariously employed, honestly, I’m happy as larry. (Fuck knows what’s gonna happen when my very modest savings run out.)

What would be the ideal topic for your 100th post? Jaffa cakes.

What happened to your other blog? I decided it was shit and deleted it in a moment of unsentimental ruthlessness. I love this blog though, as proven by my total panic when it disappeared for a while earlier today.

What makes life worth living? Friends. Family. Books. Music. Travel. Pizza. Red wine.

Why won't this thing on my arm heal? Nothing ever heals. I hadn’t worn earrings for about five years when I got some for Xmas from my uncle. I managed to shove them through with a surprising lack of pain.

Any ideas for tourist attractions in Bristol that would be suitable for my German friend who's coming to visit for 5 days? Somehow I think the Suspension bridge won't really entertain her for longer than 10 minutes. I love the Suspension Bridge. She should consider herself lucky to have the privilege of walking over and back non-stop for 5 days. Really. Look.. It’s fucking spectacular. You should probably take her to the Corrie Tap for some cider-induced obliteration, Germans like a drink, don’t they?

I'll ask the same question that I was asked during a recent job interview: "What five words best describes yourself?" Irish. Loud. Short. Curly. Sweary.

What chaucer's bitch said, but vice versa. You know, nice guys always come last etc. Because, when we say ‘nice’ we mean ‘wet’. You don’t have to be a complete arsehole, but women like guys with a bit of confidence.

Which has been your favourite of your other 98 posts? I started to have a scoot through my archives but got very embarrassed by the rubbishness of all of my posts and couldn't read any more.

What would it take to make you turn your back on happy spinsterhood? When I was "seeing" Glastonbury Guy (go back to June if you weren't around in those days) I had lots of day-dreams about how we were going to make it work. Tragic really. Something to do with chemistry….you never know, it might actually happen again some day before I die….

What have I got in my pocket? Fluff. Chewing gum. Twenty-seven pence.

Who invented liquid soap, and why? A very shrewd person who realised (s)he could dilute soap with a load of water or oil or engine fluid or something, call it ‘liquid soap’ or ‘shower gel’ and charge ten times the price for it. Someone who also appears to think there’s not enough plastic in the world.

What are your top ten secretly intolerable behaviour in others? None, because I don't keep my opinions secret. Most intolerable behaviour come from my male flatmate’s girlfriend (too much money, too little brain) who comes to stay bringing her skanking fucking dog with her, which stinks, drools on the fucking carpet, and jumps up on my visitors. Once, she bathed him in our shared house communal (lovely nice clean) bath. I was apopleptic, but male flatmate is also the houseowner (and otherwise brilliant) so there’s not a lot I can do about it.

Why do we have ear wax? What is its function? I don’t know. I hardly get any, which is a bit weird.

William Shatner or Michel Foucault? Foucault. Baldness over a bad rug anyday. Plus I hate Star Trek.

When are you coming to London so we can all meet up in some sort of cheesy internet blog meet up thingy, and get horrendously drunk, divulge personal secrets and then simultaneously delete our blogs in shame on return home? I’ve divulged way too many personal secrets here to ever be able to look any of you in the eye. I live in constant fear of someone I know in Real Life stumbling upon this site, sometimes I think I should go through and change all Bristol references to Birmingham. But that would be stupid (like I’d ever live in Birmingham). I am going to be in London this weekend to see some friends, and the Shortwave Set. If you spot a drunk Irish girl hanging around with a tall drunk Manc lad and several drunk Glaswegians, that’ll be me.

Just supposing - and it's a very big if, this - that I couldn't get hold of Zoe Telford and I still desperately needed a reasonably well put together sauce vixen with no inhibitions to writhe around provacatively, dressed in a rubber WPC outfit for some "tasteful" photographs I have planned, would you be phased by the prospect of a short hobble down to the local locksmith?? Hmph. Playing second fiddle to the fragile beauty and porcelain countenance of Zoe Frigging Telford, am I?

What are the top three crimes a man can commit in bed? Snuffling around like a pig hunting truffles. Lack of imagination. Snoring.

Please can I have my tenner back? "Neither a lender nor a borrower be" my Da always told me. I never lent you a tenner, you cheeky anonymous fucker!

Jaffa Cake: cake or biscuit? Oooh, I really fancy a jaffa cake right now. (Hungover, have already had curry and chips, now need sugar.) Now I know the rule is supposed to be that when it goes stale, if it goes hard it’s a cake, if it goes soft it’s a biscuit. *runs to corner shop* Which would make it a cake. *settles down with cup of tea and pack of jaffa cakes* But that’s nonsense – it’s clearly a biscuit. *worries slightly about levels of suggestibility*

Good massage or average sex? I don’t like massage. And it’s been soooo long, that average sex sounds really very inviting.

Pizza or pole dancing? Pizza – it’s one of my favourite things in the world. Mine’s a Fiorentina, thanks, extra olives.

Do you swear as much in real life as on your blog? Considerably more. But in an Irish accent which makes it OK. OK?

Why can’t I have a link? Because, Surly, you are way too popular already.

Christopher Biggins or Carol Vorderman? Vorderman. Back when she was just famous for being dead good at sums, before she went all frigging ubiquitous and detox-deranged. Biggins is unspeakable.

21 Comments:

  • you had another blog?

    did everyone apart from me know about it?

    hrmph

    sorry, um, happy 100th!

    By Blogger Urban Chick, at 9:31 PM  

  • Woah there - where and when are you seeing the Shortwave Set? I'm seeing them next Monday 13th at Bush Hall...

    By Blogger patroclus, at 10:12 PM  

  • I'll ask the same question that I was asked during a recent job interview: "What five words best describes yourself?" Irish. Loud. Short. Curly. Sweary.

    Great. You're hired!

    By Blogger The Hopeless Romantic, at 10:17 PM  

  • Happy 100th Spin

    By Blogger the Beep, at 10:19 PM  

  • i thank you.

    popular? no.

    needy? check.

    vorderman?? i would rather that the pendulous belly of biggins nudged my forehead than pander to vorderman's ego.

    ahem.

    By Blogger surly girl, at 10:21 PM  

  • i am so, so sorry for any inadvertent mental images my last comment may have generated.

    By Blogger surly girl, at 10:22 PM  

  • The Shortwave Set were great at the Louisiana on Wednesday, it's so intimate in their you can see the band's nostril hair.

    By Anonymous jim, at 11:31 PM  

  • How embarrassing, I used 'their' instead of 'there' there.

    By Anonymous jim, at 11:44 PM  

  • a bit late, but i been wanting to ask the question, do you know if anybody there is hating you? Why?

    By Blogger treespotter, at 2:37 AM  

  • "Playing second fiddle to the fragile beauty and porcelain countenance of Zoe Frigging Telford, am I?"

    So you'll do it then! Excellent, I'll stick another plate of Jaffas in the fridge and unwrap the "truncheon".....

    Happy 100th Spinny,


    Love (and bits of melted orange chocolate-type biscuit) on ya,

    Bob

    By Blogger Robert A. Swipe, at 10:56 AM  

  • Fucking yappy dogs. I hate them, I don't know whether I'd be able to restrain myself from throing it out of the window...
    Happy 100th, heres to many more...

    By Blogger The Lady Muck, at 2:34 PM  

  • Happy 100th birthday.

    I appear to have turned up very late here because I was washing a load of curtains and stuff. I should've asked, as someone else who has curly hair, is there a product which doesn't stop your hair turning into a a f**king frizzy mess when it's raining?

    Oh, right. Everyone's gone home.

    By Blogger Betty, at 2:38 PM  

  • I'm so glad your blog didn't really disappear. I love it.

    Your answers are grand. Going back to read about Glastonbury guy now.

    By Blogger Kyahgirl, at 6:58 PM  

  • UC - nobody read my other blog - it was shite.

    P - yup, next Monday, I'll be the one dancing badly (but enthusiastically).

    T - why would anyone hate me?

    B - I use some pink gloopy stuff. My hair's still always frizzy though.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 8:03 PM  

  • Hey, I can't believe we're going to the same gig! Well, if you want to make the leap from cyberspace to meatspace (as Jonny Lee Miller may well have said to Angelina Jolie in "Hackers" - although I'm not coming on to you, I promise), do email me through my blog profile.

    Otherwise I'll be the small, blonde, scruffy-haired one, probably chain smoking and probably not dancing. Bush Hall isn't very big, so even I should be fairly easy to spot.

    By Blogger patroclus, at 9:49 PM  

  • Any post which includes two jaffa cake related points is a good one in my opinion.

    By Blogger frangelita, at 10:25 PM  

  • someone clue me in, what's jaffa cake?

    By Blogger treespotter, at 12:24 AM  

  • wise choices on what makes life worth living.
    I stumbled on to this blog via a link on the Guardian's readers recommend blog. I'm now hooked. Don't delete this blog, too.

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 11:20 AM  

  • In an Irish accent. In which case, surely, like my totally middleclass cousins in Dublin, you say "fecking", right? So why don't you spell it like that on the blog? Gotcha!

    By Blogger DavetheF, at 7:39 PM  

  • Jaffa cake - I can't do links in comments, so you'll have to go to wikipedia yourself. It's a cake/biscuit hybrid.

    Riddled - welcome!

    Dave, I'm from Norn Iron, you get the full-on FUCK with me.

    Ahem

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 8:15 PM  

  • I get the full on FUCK with you? Promises, promises. From an Ulsterwoman.

    By Blogger DavetheF, at 6:15 PM  

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