Sunday, February 19, 2006

Losing it

Everybody knew T. All the girls fancied him and all the boys wanted to be his friend. He was tall, dark and gorgeous, and had recently had his long hair cut short, instantly setting a trend amongst all the other indie-rock-lads in town. He was practically famous - girls in my class who had never spoken to him had full-scale discussions about the correct pronunciation of his name. I, smugly, actually knew him. Well, sort of, I’d briefly met him a couple of times. And I had been reliably informed* a year or so earlier that he’d described me as "fit". But it wasn’t even the young-Marlon-Brando looks that I lusted after. He was one of those people who fills a room with his presence – outrageously funny, with a huge personality and an extraordinary accent to go along with it. He was, and remains, unlike anyone I’ve ever met.

It was towards the end of my last year at school**. I had just turned 18, and even though none of my friends were having sex (not even the ones with serious boyfriends) I was desperate to lose my virginity. Having spent years devouring magazines and newspapers, I thought that over in England, everybody was shagging and taking drugs from the age of about twelve***. The burden of virginity needed to be shed, and I figured T was the man to do it. I wasn’t exactly enamoured with the idea of having a one-night-stand, but I had a job to do. There was no way I was going to rock up at university as the only virgin on site.

He had the reputation for being a bit of a dirty bastard (ie, he’d actually had sex) and I’d already had an staggeringly drunken fumble with him some months before. It was a Saturday night in the middle of the exams - my friends and I were at a particularly shite out-of-town nightclub and I was (unusually) fairly sober. T and I got chatting and he suggested we go outside. We strolled out the back into darkness and shrubbery and lay down on the ground on top of my sparkly sixties jacket. He was saucily polite, asking, "Can I take your bra off?" He produced a condom, and we got down to it, with my sparkly sixties skirt round my waist, my clumpy lace-up shoes still on, and my ankles bound together by my black tights****. Discomfort was compounded by the fact that I had chosen the man with the Biggest Cock in Ireland to pop my cherry. Christ. Happily the whole experience could be measured in seconds.

Afterwards, I was delighted. I had done it (with a top-calibre bloke as well) and could go off to university with my head held high.

But these things never go according to plan. T and I started to go out properly, I did horrendously badly in my A-levels and had to re-sit, so my functional one-nighter turned into my first ever Serious Relationship.

(There’s a lot more to tell, but I don’t know if you’re ready for it yet…)

Meanwhile, if any of you would like to share your ‘losing it’ stories, please feel free. If they involve the wearing of odd items of hosiery, so much the better….

*Note to men. If you are an ugly tosser, try and refrain from telling your delightful young girlfriend that the Most Gorgeous Bloke in Town fancies her. She’ll only get ideas.

** In Norn Iron we don’t have that confusing and frankly wanky affectation of referring to sixth form as "college". If you’re doing A-levels, it’s still school.

***How wrong could I be? Pretty much everyone I met at uni had arrived with, at most, one conquest. Most of them had never even had a spliff before, and they were all a good three or four years behind me in the alcohol stakes. Compared to these kids, I was from the streets

****My sister lost her virginity whilst wearing one purple sock.


  • I lost my virginity in a very undignified scrambled way, it was in a friends living room when the parents were away and stupidly I went on top. It wasn't the most comfortable of experiences...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:11 PM  

  • Hmm...on a picnic table, on top of a hill. More than that I'm not saying!

    By Blogger patroclus, at 10:18 PM  

  • Mine is almost the opposite story to yours: it was intended to be a relationship of sorts (well, it was, for two or three weeks) but ended up as a for-one-night-only special. No broken hearts on either side, that's just how it worked out. But he was quite the prettiest lad I'd ever seen up close, and remarkably talented to boot; so I was rather pleased with myself for finally sorting myself out, and with such a quality lay to boot.

    By Blogger ScroobiousScrivener, at 10:28 PM  

  • I was a virgin when I got to uni. This was not an issue. Grauating uni with a Bachelors degree, loads of credentials, and in intact hymen _was_ and issue. I became determined to lose my virginity before I went to grauduate school (2 year interval). Then I was determined to lose my virginity before completing grad school. Hopefully before I finish the PhD I'll have a "losing it" story to share. *sighs, weeps*

    By Blogger Chaucer's Bitch, at 10:32 PM  

  • on a bin behind a club in London. in the rain. the most sordid experience of my short life.

    By Anonymous riddledwiththepox, at 7:07 AM  

  • with my friend's brother, in his friend's mum's bed. she came home in the middle of the night to get some clean knickers (don't ask) and calmly said hello.


    By Blogger surly girl, at 10:07 AM  

  • with the now chief executive of Esporta while his (unknown to me) girlfriend was away (arse). He had very smelly feet. He lasted about 5 seconds and concluded with the comment, "I don't know about you but I enjoyed that."

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 10:42 AM  

  • There is a bit of a difference between the generations here because I can remember a girl I knew at 18 being in tears for days because some lad had asked her to have sex on the second date. "He's a mod, and he's probably used to mod girls, who are all very easy" one of her friends explained.

    (... that was the early '80's, by the way, not 1964, although it seemed like it at the time).

    By Blogger Betty, at 11:44 AM  

  • With my friend's weird skinny goth friend (he'd spent most of his adolecence in mental institutions) who'd stuck his thongue down my throat and tried to take me home the night before - that night he played some songs by (german joke-punk band) die Ärzte on his guitar, got me to sit on his lap and then took me to his room. He had a spider tattoo on his shoulder. My friend and her boyfriend were next door the whole time, and I didnt tell him it was my first time until it was too late. In some bizarre way I took it to be a bit of an achievement though, as he had gone out with the biggest slapper from my year at school for a while.
    It was bad but at least I finally got it out of the way.

    By Blogger Loganoc, at 11:46 AM  

  • in a ditch, on an old rusty iron bed frame, at school. We were both 16, and now some thirty years later we're back together. And our technique has somewhat improved, as well as the locations. But we still like to go outside sometimes... how well I remember Richmond Park at midnight.

    By Blogger the Beep, at 12:47 PM  

  • Back of my first-proper-boyfriend's car, in a car park somewhere. No hoisery involved, but I did keep my knee high boots on.

    Pure class...

    By Blogger Léonie, at 5:20 PM  

  • fifteenth birthday, his bed, chestnut tree in fulll bloom right outside the window inducing a severe allergy attack. suffice it to say, there are just some times when a girl should NOT sneeze.

    By Blogger First Nations, at 6:33 PM  

  • ...woops. 'hi', by the way.

    By Blogger First Nations, at 6:34 PM  

  • This is fabulous! My story really isn't all that sordid in comparison with some of you lot..

    (CB, I hope you're not too frightened by all this. Still, I'd advise getting yourself horrifically drunk, find a willing victim, and get it over with. It will be awful, but then things can only get better)

    Right, I'm off to google 'Chief Executive of Esporta'

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 6:42 PM  

  • me too....

    oh, and beep? bless you...

    By Blogger surly girl, at 7:48 PM  

  • Punky but shy girl whose best friend was seeing one of my mates. Her best friend's parent's bedroom during a house-party one drunken Saturday night. It was horrendous - I think she only agreed to the whole thing because she thought I'd dump her if she didn't. She lay there like a plank staring rigidly at the ceiling throughout the entire proceedings, I would have given up on the whole deal if I wasn't so damned determined to shake off my virginity once and for all.

    By Blogger LC, at 8:34 PM  

  • I'm just about to post my sordid tale, and I notice that the word verification doodah is an anagram of "BLOWJOB" and I really can't beat that, so I'll just say that it was quick, drunken, and blessed relief outweighed any semblance of pleasure, and I can't remember what music was playing but it may well have been General Public (the band formed by the people in The Beat who didn't become Fine Young Cannibals).

    By Blogger Tim Footman, at 1:35 AM  

  • Urrrrgh! *shocked*

    That's disgusting. I read this over breakfast and am quite frankly appalled.

    Where was your lollipop?

    I don't have a first time story. I'm still a virgin.

    By Anonymous Piggy and Tazzy, at 9:32 AM  

  • I can't remember it very clearly as I was completely arseholed at the time, but it was at a party, on a pile of coats – other people's – and seemed to go on forever. The bit that stands out in this sordid tale is that she asked: "Is it your first time?" in a patient sort of tone, and I said "Fuck no!", grinding ever harder and to what I now realise was little effect on her. It still brings a flush of mortification to my cheeks ...

    This is fun, isn't it?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:42 AM  

  • one of my friends (honest to God this didn't happen to me) lost his on his 18th birthday to a woman who looked mid-twenties and very fit.

    After weeks and weeks of bragging, it was finally revealed to him that she had been a prostitute hired by friends.

    He's never lived it down.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:03 PM  

  • The first anonymous is me, Dave F. I don't know why I was made anonymous, I'm not that ashamed.

    By Anonymous Dave F, at 6:36 PM  

  • Your sister lost her virginity wearing a purple sock? The majority of my formative sexual encounters involved a (increasingly creaky) purple sock...and a copy of Kays catalogue (Summer, with the bikinis in).

    One's late 20s are such a precious time.

    By Blogger infinitemuppets, at 7:46 PM  

  • Similar to Chaucer's Bitch in that I was a virgin into and out of Uni. Had no desire to lose it, had not met any 'suitable' men. Then went on a post-finals holiday to Tenerife, shagged a random bloke who I met in a club. I was so traumatised by the whole experience, I didn't do it again for another 18 months, when I met the tosser with whom I spent 4 years.

    By Blogger Cleavers, at 3:20 PM  

  • Chaucer's Bitch and I have a lot in common. ;)

    As I doubt that I'll EVER get to tell a funny first-time story, I'll tell you all about the two times I almost lost it.

    #1 I was 18, in college, at my bf's dorm. He was an early riser whereas I still sleep until 2pm if allowed. He came back from the shower in his shorty robe (mind you, Carlos was 6'4"), so when he bent down to give me a kiss while I was still in bed, I caught a glimpse of his unit. I think penises in general are fugly, so it may very well have been the smell of soap on him that instantly made me change my mind about waiting for marriage. Or maybe I'm really turned on by shorty robes. I pulled that guy on top of me so fast I scared him. Well he must have been related to Spinny's bloke because it was impossible to get "it" in. Try as we may, it just wasn't happening. I think my nether regions were damaged because after that I didn't even want to try. :( Now that I've seen more penises, I know I let a good one escape. The penis and the guy. He was the love of my life. Sniff sniff.

    #2 I was 26. This fellow was the last guy I dated semi-seriously before giving up on dating entirely. We'd only gone on a few dates, and while we had great physical chemistry, I suspected he and I weren't going anywhere meaningful. Then I got a feel for the size of his penis. The prospects weren't good. Seriously, my youngest nephew has a bigger penis than this guy did at 33 years of age. So, I'd grown tired of expecting the first time to be such a big fucking deal, I told him to go for it. Well, again, my nether regions weren't having it. I tensed up so much the whole operation was aborted.

    In retrospect, I'm quite glad it didn't happen that last time. I may be a weirdo for still being a virgin, but I still cringe at the memory of that thumb of a penis. And the guy was such a pansy. No more metrosexuals for me, thanks.

    By Blogger yezenia, at 9:00 PM  

  • yezenia, the tensing up so much you can't get it in is actually a recognised medical condition which can be treated. I'll try and remember what it's called

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 1:46 PM  

  • Yezenia - GSE is right (I think it's called vaginitis?)

    But it has also happened to me once (even after I'd been round the block once or twice).

    Trying to ram it in after absolutely NO foreplay - it just wasn't gonna happen...

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 4:20 PM  

  • Thanks for the concern, but it's ok. I was just a scared kid the first time. The second, I was just repulsed.

    By Blogger yezenia, at 8:55 PM  

  • yezenia -- there are plenty of other pricks in the sea. You just need to find a guy who knows what a woman wants and needs. They do exist. Don't give up.

    By Anonymous Dave F, at 10:38 AM  

  • 17, in the shower with a bloke 14 years older than me whom I'd met off the internet (msn chat in fact which is DAMN shameful).

    Totally wanted to get it out of the way, but was too shy to approach anyone my own age.

    In hindsight was probably a good thing as he was very good about it. Then again, the thought of him actually sorta repulses me now...

    By Blogger SBB, at 1:53 AM  

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