Sunday, November 06, 2005

Wet Lettuce # 1

He had moved in with a colleague of mine and her boyfriend after a bad break-up some time beforehand, but had kind of outstayed his welcome. In fact, I have a suspicion that Anna only introduced us to get him out of her hair for a while…

Tall, lean, not stupid, and definitely not a ‘suit’, he was a struggling, totally unpublished writer who worked in a bookshop in Windsor (he used to see prince Harry out and about, if you’re the sort of cap-doffing forelock-tugging peasant who gets off on that sort of shit).

(Another aside – if you’re a wannabe writer, is working in a bookstore any better than being a cashier in, say, Tescos?)

He was a great cook, had frig-all money, and good taste in music and books and all the important things. In the very early days, he bought me a copy of “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” which impressed me no end as I’d wanted to read it for ages. I went through all that crap of thinking – omigod he’s wonderful – like it was a somehow ‘meaningful’ coincidence….

And in the sack – well, he was just so generous. He scrupulously ensured that I always came first, and didn’t appear to enjoy blow-jobs. I said to him once that it almost seemed that he was more concerned with my pleasure than his. He responded, “Of course it is, I can just pop off at any time”
(And yes, he did actually say “pop off”.)

For fuck’s sake, if I just wanted to lie there getting licked out all night I’d buy a frigging dog.

Looking back, I can’t believe it lasted three months. He was a nice guy, and I felt so bad about hurting his feelings that I cried when I dumped him. But let’s face it, he was too earnest, boring and generally minging for me – what did he expect?


  • nice guys finish last. nice guys also get dumped, a lot, as there is nothing more boring than a nice guy.

    By Blogger surly girl, at 8:59 PM  

  • Erm, actually he doesn't sound too bad to me, Spin.

    Do you mind being called Spin, incidentally?

    And Windsor, eh? Hmm - what year was this?

    By Blogger patroclus, at 8:59 PM  

  • Nope, he sounds a bit boring and too eager to please...

    Good shout.

    By Blogger Ant, at 10:04 AM  

  • It reminds me of George Costanza's words when he's dumped after only four weeks: "I didn't even get time to show her my Dark Side!"

    Seriously, he sounds like the kind of bloke who ruins it for the rest of us.

    By Blogger Wyndham, at 10:20 AM  

  • You bring up a good point.

    There is a definite dichotomy ("dick"cotomy??) with men it seems: either the spineless needy types or uber-twits that need a good kick in the 'nads. And somehow the nicely balanced ones who are attentive, reliable yet un-obsequious, are always gay.


    By Blogger Sadia, at 11:30 AM  

  • Doesn't "unpublished" writer mean well.. "crap" writer?

    By Blogger hen, at 3:14 PM  

  • As you may have noticed, I'm a bit of a masochist.

    Somewhere out there, there must be a man who has hit the balance between the softcock losers (eg WL 1 & 2) who like me, and the arrogant galloping fuckwits (eg ex) that I like.

    And yeah - I like being Spin - wasn't that the chick who wan't Salt or Pepa?

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 6:13 PM  

  • It was indeed - DJ Spinderella, to be precise.

    As to the happy medium, you'd think it would be easy, but it really isn't, is it?

    By Blogger patroclus, at 8:32 PM  

  • Good God, there's no pleasing you!

    By Blogger yezenia, at 6:45 AM  

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