Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Structural Collapse Guy -or- Why I don't do One-Night-Stands

“There’s been a bit of structural collapse” he apologised.

I wasn’t bothered. It was his second or third go, having been pumping away for what seemed like hours, without managing to come. I can’t really blame him though, my contribution had been to lie there like the proverbial sack of spuds.

Now, I’m not usually quite so inert. There are mitigating circumstances. You see, SC is my one and only ever* One Night Stand.

Not that I’m against one-night-stands. In principle I think they’re a great idea, two consenting adults having some hassle-free fun. In fact, in my situation (very happily single, not looking for a Big Relationship) it’d be the perfect solution to my problem of Not Actually getting Any.

But it doesn’t seem to happen to me. I guess it’s because I never ‘pull’ in the traditional way. I’ve probably copped off with blokes in bars or clubs half-a-dozen times in my entire life (as my sister pointed out, you can do that in a night of random snogging with a bit of effort). And although I’m certainly not one for waiting, I do like to believe that a guy actually likes me before whipping my clothes off.

And I guess the whole experience with SC put me right off.

I was in first year at University, having just been dumped by a guy I didn’t even like that much, so was in need of a spot of attention. My friends were advising me, as many friends have tried over the years, how to pull. “It’s just eye contact” they said. “Make eye-contact, then smile”. So I tried. And I suppose, ultimately, it was successful.

We all arrived in the club. About two minutes after arriving, I spotted him – tall, slightly long, dark hair - by far the best looking bloke in the whole place. I took a deep breath and gave him the eye as I walked past. As the night progressed, we both managed to walk past one another on many unnecessary occasions, loads of eye contact and the odd smile. A few hours later, he and his friends were hovering close to where my friends and I were dancing.

Now the thing is, this place did two-drinks-for-the-price-of-one on a Thursday. And they stocked Elephant Beer. It’s also likely that we’d stopped for a swift triple-vodka-for-a-pound in a shitty local pub beforehand. I can put a fair amount of liquor away but by this stage, it’s fair to say that I was absolutely fucking hammered.

Frustrated by now with all the eye-contact bollocks, and emboldened by alcohol, I stumbled up to him and said “Are you going to stare at me all night, or do you want to introduce yourself?” Cue lots of snogging. Success!

I had no intentions of taking it any further, but on the streets outside later, my idiot friend had determined that he should go home with me. She sort of pushed him into a taxi with me, and I was so pissed that I just stopped protesting. So we got back to mine, I gave the poor bloke probably the worst shag of his life, and then afterwards he just kept talking to me all night, talking complete shite, when all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

The next morning wasn’t all that horrendous, considering. We had tea and toast before he left with the words “see you around”…

The whole thing left me cold. Not the crap sex, or the extreme drunkenness. It was because he didn’t want to see me again. Even though the whole experience screamed One Night Stand from the moment I first clapped eyes on him, and despite the fact that I didn’t want to see him again either, I just wanted to think that he liked me, just a little bit.

(*Some definitions may follow at some point)


  • I've had a couple, and have to say they dont really get any better for blokes. Think it's kind of the problem is when f**ked up enough to get into the situation, the only thing that really appeals is sleeping it off. Or maybe I'm just getting old?!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:44 AM  

  • I always quite enjoyed one night stands. What could be more exciting than sleeping with a total stranger who's only interested in you for sex and probably couldn't even tell you your name if you asked them?

    It is true though, a lot of the time they only happen because you're completely shitfaced - which isn't condusive to putting in an earth shattering performance. But sometimes it works out pretty well.

    By Blogger LC, at 4:04 PM  

  • is there a technical term for a one night stand that only one participant knows is going to be a one night stand?

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 4:30 PM  

  • The technical term you're looking for is... seduction!

    By Blogger Wyndham, at 6:05 PM  

  • sounds more like fraud to me.

    I don't see the point of one night stands - if it's that good, why only do it once? If it's not that good, why do it at all?

    I very rarely choose to have an one night stand. I do however have the emotional intelligence of a gnat. A frequently defrauded gnat who is often very upset. No more. You read it here.

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 6:27 PM  

  • Yeah, but there are often occasions where a proper long term relationship isn't possible or desirable, but one night of misbehaviour is a fun experience for both parties. Case in point: got chatting to cute girl in club, instant chemistry, but she was only in town for a few days visiting friends and lived hundreds of miles away. Relationship impossible, casual rudeness with absolute stranger most welcome however.

    By Blogger LC, at 11:02 PM  

  • >>is there a technical term for a one night stand that only one participant knows is going to be a one night stand?>>

    Getting lucky? Or perhaps just a lucky escape - depending how you look at it.

    By Blogger Tabby Rabbit, at 11:23 PM  

  • Ahh, your tales of the krazyhouse bring back some memories. Silly and fun times for sure but the initial excitement of one night stands wore off for me.

    Often turned out to be a bit of an anti-climax...damn that 2-for-1 offer!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:45 AM  

  • One night stands are so overrated

    By Blogger Rich Watt, at 6:19 AM  

  • Hm - aren't one-night-stands always rubbish, because if they weren't, they wouldn't BE just one-night-stands? Well, apart from when one party is leaving the country, I suppose.

    By Blogger Swedish Girl, at 7:31 PM  

  • GSE, you have hit the nail right on the head, and almost made me cry this morning.

    (In my defence I was up at stupid-o-clock for no apparent reason)

    I don't normally do crying.

    By Blogger Spinsterella, at 11:14 PM  

  • I have a theory which I haven't put much thought into about differences in emotional resonance between sticking bits of you into something and have things stuck into you. The latter, I think is far more intimate. If I let you into my house, so to speak, then providing you don't crap on the carpets, it feels very odd and upsetting if you don't visit again. If I visit your house, I feel able to snigger at the decor and feel no compunction to turn up again in future.

    Ach, whatever.

    By Blogger GreatSheElephant, at 8:03 AM  

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